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Photo by Gail Harvey, no reproduction without permission
The New Canada: Do It Yourself Parliament When I was in grade school, I was invited to invent my own country and design its laws and customs and draw a map of it and so on. It was my first thrilling taste of Utopian thinking. I was drunk on the power of the project and it occurs to me today that perhaps little Stephie Harper feels the same way about the country he has decided to invent with his crayons and imaginary customs. It is extremely important to pout a lot during this game and wave off any dissent from minions in the fantasy kingdom [formerly known as voters].
In case you are behind on the latest news, I have appointed myself Prime Minister and Governor General of Canada. I know, you had no say in this change, but I did discuss it in a private call with a charismatic woman who said I should do whatever I liked whenever it suited me. As the official advisor to drag queens everywhere, I figured she knew what she was talking about. I mean, she knows who to call when she needs to borrow a dress, right? Oh wait, I forgot: WE pay for her clothes.
Upon hanging up from this politically explosive call with…well, let’s call her Mary-Jean, shall we, I shook my imaginary son’s hand and went for a nice long nap.
In MY version of Parliament and country-running, we shut down Sussex Drive and rent it out to paint-ball enthusiasts because it is perfect for such sporting boyish games. Other former asylums have enjoyed similar revivals. The former residence of the previous Governor General will act as a stockroom for the bills we don’t feel like reading through or passing, as well as a handy second kitchen for the preparation of the appetizers and canapés we feed foreign dignitaries on an annual budget that could house and feed oh, a lot of Canadian families currently struggling to exist, never mind thrive and flourish.
Since it seems that Parliament is one of those extraneous poly-sci structures that costs us a lot of cash and doesn’t achieve the aims of the autocrat some people seem to have elected [back when we believed in voting], and since the Governor General is representing a quaint load of monarchist crud we no longer lean on, being OUR OWN COUNTRY [most days, anyway: see Prime Ministers who loved George Bush 1 & 2]: let’s put the boots to it all, Canucks and admit that we are currently living in an autocracy wherein the wishes of one person, me [I did let you know after I had elected myself] are all that matter.
I know, a lot of narcoleptic well-fed men [and the odd woman] will be abruptly unemployed when Parliament is well and truly dissolved [oh, sorry, that’s the Senate] but hey, this dictator believes that what is good for the average poor person in Canada is good for, well, anyone but her.
Having installed my lectern here in the new Parliamentary offices in Toronto [much like former US Pres Bill Clinton, in a run-down neighbourhood, because that is hip to do] and having purchased a hand-crafted in China gavel I can bang loudly when I need to interrupt myself, I will now begin my period of rule/tyranny over this, our imaginary country. In my spare time, I will represent drag queens everywhere as best I can by humming Diana Ross songs and saying yes to each and every insane request you make---provided you have my private line and don’t tell anyone we both can’t wait for our pensions to kick in so we can stop being blamed for back-handedly taking the country Canada down on the international stage so effectively no one before us ever thought of it.
Now please pause to hear the country’s new mash-up national anthem [written by me, because in addition to being Prime Minister and Governor General I am also the Official National Poet Rapper Laureate of Canada: Phillip and I, Phillip and I, smoke em out, hunt em down, Phillip and I, I say smoke em out, Osama, Obama, Phillip and I….
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